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jenna dailey photography

Denver based portrait, lifestyle, wedding & elopement photographer.
  • love stories
  • movement
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building blocks & self-love

May 09, 2017

Before I get started, I’d like to say that no, I have not yet read Love Warrior by Glennon Melton Doyle, but it’s at the very top of my list and that the inspiration behind this post is from some major love bombs dropped by GMD on Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic podcast on "starting before you’re ready". If you haven’t listened to this podcast, get after it. I mean it.

After trying and failing almost too many times to count, I’ve slowly (so very, painfully slowly) stumbled upon the realization that self-love must come first, always. I never wanted to believe the adage that one must love his or herself before he or she can love others, but shit, you guys. It’s true.

In an attempt at making sense of my new life-altering realization, I’ve come to look at the many layers of my life – wants, needs, desires, dreams, all of it – as building blocks. The very first one, the foundation for it all? You guessed it: self-love.

Let me rewind for a minute to provide you with some more context before we move forward…

Las week, I was doing homework for 7 Weeks to Bliss (an offering that touches on values, vision & goals, and all that juicy stuff) and I got stuck on my journal entry for our week 3 content: What are my 10 greatest strengths? Immediately the snarky, sassy voice inside my head listed off eating copious amounts of pizza, slaying series on Netflix, and scaring off boys that I think are cute and might want to date. And then, I completely shut down. Rather than feeling inspired and compelled to dig into the work like I had in the previous weeks, I closed my notebook and completely switched gears. I didn’t even attempt to answer the question because in all honesty, nothing came to mind right away and I hate talking about myself in the context of what I’m good at or what I have to offer. It makes my skin c-r-a-w-l.

When I revisited the question again last night, rather than using humor as way to deflect I decided to attack the question from a place of inquiry. I started with why. Why was I feeling resistant to answering such a seemingly simple question? Which then turned into: why am I so much more comfortable giving love than receiving it? Which led to a major “holy-fucking-shit” moment.

True, sustainable self-love is an unknown for me, and I often find the unknown scary. I’ve never truly loved myself or treated myself with the same kindness, compassion, and understanding as I do with others. When it comes to myself, I’m a total bitch. I’m all about conditional love and, even worse, tough love. I’m never – literally never – satisfied with anything I do or create. I am guilty of being my own toughest critic. I hustle for my own self approval, which is fucking exhausting. It’s my way of keeping myself working harder and striving to be the best version of myself. I admire humility in others and am terrified of being labeled as self-involved or vain, that gnarly “what will people think?” is always lingering (unwanted) at the back of my mind.

Now fast forward back to today when I was listening to the podcast featuring GMD. She said all the things, many that I will never forget, but the biggest thing that stuck with me was this:

“When you try to love someone, you have to unlearn so much. And start over.”

Lightbulb.

Now maybe this doesn’t strike a chord with you in the way it did with me because you don’t know the context in which she said it (unless you’ve also listened to the episode), but noodle it. Let it marinate and I’ll keep blabbing on.

Although she was referring to the love between two people and the unlearning of gender norms and constructs of society, which I agree with whole heartedly, I immediately thought about my homework of answering the question of What are my 10 greatest strengths? And my whole tough love thing I have going on.

I need to unlearn.

I need to unlearn the destructive stories that I tell myself about myself: if I lose the weight then I'll be desirable; I’m too much for this person or not enough for this person; I’m being unrealistic and childish to pursue the things that make me feel alive; I will never receive the love I so desire, and the list goes on, and on, and freaking on.

I need to unlearn the habits that I fall back on when I feel vulnerable and insecure, like harmful, self-deprecating humor and distracting myself by becoming so busy I run myself right into the ground.

I need to unlearn the dos and don’ts I follow (consciously or subconsciously) that keep me in my neat little box: being the “cool girl”; saying or doing something because it feels like the nice or right thing to do; not speaking my mind; people pleasing…you guessed it, this list goes on and on as well.

I need to unlearn to heal and move forward so I can then begin the process of learning how to truly love myself. And someday, when I'm ready, I can wholeheartedly love someone else again.

As much as I'd like to shed some light on how to go about doing this unlearning and diving into the process of softening into self-love, I don't have the answers. And usually that drives me just plain nuts because I like to have all the answers all the time, but this post will not have a tiny bow tied on top of it. Strangely, I'm OK with that. I am currently wading through the muddy waters to figure out where to start and what I need to do to get me to where I so badly want to be and I am practicing patience with myself. Look at me go! I think I'm already taking baby steps in the right direction, eh?

Until next time, friends.

To be continued...

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  • March 2018
    • Mar 26, 2018 permission to slow the fuck down Mar 26, 2018
  • January 2018
    • Jan 22, 2018 retreat yoself Jan 22, 2018
  • December 2017
    • Dec 28, 2017 see ya later 2017 Dec 28, 2017
  • July 2017
    • Jul 20, 2017 tattoos, timing, & trust Jul 20, 2017
    • Jul 19, 2017 quarter-centuries, gratitude switches, & clarity Jul 19, 2017
  • May 2017
    • May 19, 2017 real May 19, 2017
    • May 19, 2017 grounding with soul values May 19, 2017
    • May 9, 2017 building blocks & self-love May 9, 2017
  • April 2017
    • Apr 25, 2017 trust the process Apr 25, 2017
    • Apr 25, 2017 busy part I Apr 25, 2017
  • March 2017
    • Mar 6, 2017 oh, my raging ego Mar 6, 2017
  • February 2017
    • Feb 4, 2017 the art of non-attachment Feb 4, 2017
  • December 2016
    • Dec 22, 2016 new year, same me Dec 22, 2016
  • November 2016
    • Nov 22, 2016 permission to be messy Nov 22, 2016
  • October 2016
    • Oct 4, 2016 the sweet spot Oct 4, 2016
  • September 2016
    • Sep 18, 2016 there's no place like home Sep 18, 2016
  • July 2016
    • Jul 24, 2016 100 things Jul 24, 2016
  • March 2016
    • Mar 24, 2016 why i do what i do Mar 24, 2016
    • Mar 2, 2016 february reflection, march intentions Mar 2, 2016
  • February 2016
    • Feb 27, 2016 lean in and learn to love whatever rises Feb 27, 2016
    • Feb 9, 2016 why i really wanderlust Feb 9, 2016
  • December 2015
    • Dec 1, 2015 the power of saying no Dec 1, 2015
  • November 2015
    • Nov 26, 2015 why i choose to live in possibility Nov 26, 2015
    • Nov 24, 2015 be kind, always. (please) Nov 24, 2015
    • Nov 13, 2015 ego part II Nov 13, 2015
    • Nov 9, 2015 the yoga hustle Nov 9, 2015
    • Nov 4, 2015 real Nov 4, 2015
  • October 2015
    • Oct 30, 2015 aparigraha, among other things Oct 30, 2015
    • Oct 20, 2015 learning to take my yoga off the mat Oct 20, 2015
    • Oct 16, 2015 what is yoga to me, and why do I practice? Oct 16, 2015
    • Oct 7, 2015 courage, my dear heart Oct 7, 2015
  • September 2015
    • Sep 29, 2015 the inbetween, and beyond Sep 29, 2015
  • August 2015
    • Aug 23, 2015 oh, the people you'll meet Aug 23, 2015
    • Aug 15, 2015 why living in a mountain town was my best life choice yet Aug 15, 2015
    • Aug 7, 2015 ego Aug 7, 2015
    • Aug 5, 2015 about that comfort zone Aug 5, 2015
  • July 2015
    • Jul 24, 2015 twenty three Jul 24, 2015
    • Jul 22, 2015 feeling all the feels Jul 22, 2015
    • Jul 22, 2015 the unplug drug Jul 22, 2015
  • June 2015
    • Jun 6, 2015 what aspen has taught me about loving my life Jun 6, 2015
    • Jun 6, 2015 always coming back home to you Jun 6, 2015
  • February 2015
    • Feb 27, 2015 practice Feb 27, 2015
    • Feb 23, 2015 intent Feb 23, 2015
    • Feb 4, 2015 fearless Feb 4, 2015
    • Feb 4, 2015 love love Feb 4, 2015
  • January 2015
    • Jan 17, 2015 just let go Jan 17, 2015
    • Jan 16, 2015 new perspective Jan 16, 2015
    • Jan 11, 2015 come alive Jan 11, 2015
    • Jan 6, 2015 humility Jan 6, 2015
    • Jan 2, 2015 a year in reflection: 2014 Jan 2, 2015
  • November 2014
    • Nov 9, 2014 that full moon though Nov 9, 2014
  • October 2014
    • Oct 19, 2014 anywhere but here Oct 19, 2014
    • Oct 6, 2014 self love Oct 6, 2014
  • September 2014
    • Sep 26, 2014 get lost Sep 26, 2014
    • Sep 24, 2014 choose to see the good stuff Sep 24, 2014
    • Sep 17, 2014 week 1 Sep 17, 2014
    • Sep 3, 2014 c u l8r Sep 3, 2014
  • August 2014
    • Aug 11, 2014 #goalcrush Aug 11, 2014
    • Aug 3, 2014 take a f*cking chance Aug 3, 2014
  • July 2014
    • Jul 31, 2014 no regrets Jul 31, 2014
    • Jul 20, 2014 cheers to 22 years Jul 20, 2014