Since I wrote my first post about ego a few months back, I've had a lot of time to let it marinate. Get to know my ego, if you will. And oh man, is she a bitch! She's seriously judgmental, cynical, reactive, insecure and power hungry (we're talking major power OVER people, not power from within) - among other less than lovely qualities. If she comes out to play, you better run and hide you guys. S-c-a-t-t-e-r. It's not pretty.
For the past few weeks, I've had this huge internal struggle going on in my head regarding my ego vs. my authentic self. Who's who? Is that me in there wanting to flip the bird to everyone driving at or below the speed limit (drive like you stole it) or is that my ego taking the wheel (quite literally)? I just don't always know how to tell. I'd like to think that I'm not my ego, but then again ego and true self cohabitate up in the noodle. The lines seem very blurred to me.
I mean, I'll be settling down into my space during yoga, and look over at the lovely human (who is of course, minding their own business) and size them up. "Oh, I bet she's super flexible. But so am I! Ha!" and, "Why is she warming up like we're about to suit up and take on the Green Bay Packers? This is Y-O-G-A my friend, not Superbowl Sunday. Get it together sister." Then, I catch myself. I take a moment to pause, breath deeply and give myself a nice mental slap across the face. And I remind myself everyone is doing the best that they can (myself included!) And then I start to soften. And then I remind myself once you get past the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the language we speak, the way we go about our lives, we are all more the same than we are different. And then I melt back into my humanity, heart cracked wide open, feeling guilty and like the most terrible human there ever was. This process happens anywhere from 28-57 times a day, on average.
So, I guess my question for anyone who may hold the answer is this: how do I know when my ego is talking vs. my true self? How do I differentiate the two? Can I completely dissect the two, labeling each part as belonging to one side or the other? Or is it messier than that - are there certain qualities of my ego that are inextricably woven into my true self and vice-versa?
I may never know for sure, but I have a feeling I'm off to a solid start with the unraveling my ego: I can recognize what I think is ego chatter, stop it, let it go and choose another thought. I'm starting to learn that it's a constant, life-long practice. That's for sure.
Namaste, you guys. xx