2016 was nuts, y'all. I know you know what I'm saying. All of these memes about how absolutely, incredibly, insanely wrong it went could not be more accurate, which is why they're probably so hilarious. Just like the memes themselves, I don't mean to take away from the gravity of everything that happened over the span of the last (almost) 12 months, but shit got so real that comic relief is being welcomed with wide open arms.
When December hits and January slowly starts to creep up, I'm almost always more than ready for a new year, new beginnings. I make new goals. I rework my vision for my life. I even use it as an excuse to buy new clothes. New, new, new. If it's old, it's out. If it's new, sign me up. I'm always up for a better, improved Jenna 2.0 (6.0...20.0...gasp, now 24.0) And until now, this year was no exception. 2016 will forever go down in history as The Year That Shall Not Be Named (No, I'm not a Harry Potter fanatic but I can still appreciate the reference). But now that I've actually carved out time to sit down, think about what I want to create in 2016 and how I want my life to look, I've changed my mind.
Personally, I really liked my own 2016. I was adventurous. I was brave. I took chances. I worked my butt off. I listened to my body, I listened to my heart. I pushed myself. I invested a whole lot in myself. I learned and I grew. I created. I connected. I had so much dang fun. I pursued some dreams, and I laid the foundations for others. Sure, things were different than I had envisioned them. Actually, my entire year was full of things I never planned for myself this past year. Had I made different decisions, I'd still be in New Zealand or somewhere drinking coconut milk (from an actual coconut) on the beach in Bali or who knows, really. And maybe I didn't lose those 15 pounds that I so badly want to, or I didn't save all that money that I had planned on, but that's life. You just can't do everything all the time, and I have to make peace with that. I'd rather focus on the fact that I had a seriously big year and well, a year that I'm damn proud of.
For the record, writing all of that was, to say the least, extremely challenging for me. Kind of like pulling teeth. I can't take compliments from others - if you've ever tried, you understand - let alone give praise to myself. It's hard for me to acknowledge anything good that I've done or that I've created; I suppose my inner critic is my own way of staying on track, working hard, and striving to be the best version of myself. While it can sometimes be a good thing, I've started to realize it might actually do more harm. Never being satisfied with myself as a person or my life's work, that's just friggen exhausting. Entirely depleting. The gnarly lingering feelings of "not worthy" or "never enough" are more than enough (ha ha) to drive me right off my rocker, I tell ya. Can anyone else relate?
With the encouragement of my inner critic, I always find myself pouring energy into improving myself in the areas that I lack strength in. And while I see the value in this, I see so much more value in continuing to hone and lovingly strengthen the areas I already succeed in - and a lot of this ideology has come from my supervisor at work, who is one of the most intelligent, inspiring leaders/humans I know. If I focus too much on my weaknesses, I obsess. I'm acutely aware of my shortcomings and I want so badly to improve upon them, so I'm not seen as incompetent or weak, that I forget to kindle the fire of goodness that I've got going on for me too. And as you can guess, I start to shine a whole lot less in those areas I once flourished in. And that's just unfortunate.
I've started to realize that perhaps the feelings of never enough or not worthy might always be something I struggle with. I may never conquer or overcome them, but somehow learn how to live with them or even despite of them. While I can hope and manifest the idea of overcoming never enough or not worthy, if I don't make a conscious change in how I look at myself and how I think about myself, ain't gonna happen sweetheart.
My goal: to start seeing and appreciating myself for who I am and what I create, rather than hating myself for who I wish I could be and what I wish I was capable of, which as we all know is so much harder said than done. I guess you could say I'm adopting the "choose to see the good in everything" adage, in my own way. While an important part of this is to be self-aware and to hold myself accountable, the biggest part will be focusing on putting my energy into the things I'm good at, the things that make me so happy to be alive. I want 2017 to be a continuation of my badass, seriously awesome, life-changing 2016. After all, if it's ain't broke, don't fix it. Right?
So, here's to a new year, but the same me. Another year of creating a life I'm proud of and so damn excited about, and seeing opportunities and possibility everywhere. A year of chasing dreams, making magic, and learning to love myself a little (more like a whole lot) harder.
My mantra going into the New Year and beyond: I am enough, I am worthy.
Cheers & namaste, bitches. Catch ya in 2k17.