self love

Yep. Self love. I need A LOT more of that in my life. (No, not that kind. I know at least some of you went there.)

Self love is a term that I've come to be very familiar with throughout my journey into yoga and from following some of the brightest and most compassionate yogis like Jacki Carr and Mary Beth LaRue. Although it's something I've been hearing for years and is always at the back of my mind, it's something that I've never put into practice.

I've found that, like many other things, self love is a lot easier said than done--at least for me. Brace yourself, because I'm going to be awkwardly, brutally, terribly honest: I don't love myself. I really, really don't. I can never live up to the standards I set for myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. Quite honestly, I could go on forever: I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm simply not enough--not for myself, not for anyone. Well, shit. What good does this kind of thinking do me? Absolutely none at all.

The turning point? Taking a moment to slow down and think about the past several months and realizing that I wasn't proud of myself for graduating college or moving to Aspen. Wtf? I've gotten to the point where I'm not satisfied with ANYTHING that I do, and these are definitely things that anyone else would and should be ecstatic about.

What's the root of this problem? Looking for happiness in others--which, as it turns out, isn't a sustainable way to be happy. It's actually exhausting, fleeting and ultimately just makes me miserable. Not to say that others can't and don't contribute to my happiness, but true happiness is something that I have to find within myself and allow myself to have.

Well, enough with all of these fucking not-enoughs. I'm more than ready to be happy and, even though it pains me to say it, I deserve it. I do.

It's a slow process--definitely baby steps--but I'm learning that it's OK to be happy with myself, to be proud of something that I did or that I created. I'm trying to teaching myself that I won't burst into flames if I acknowledge myself for something I did. Being happy with myself doesn't inherently make make me conceited, it doesn't make me smug, it doesn't make me selfish. It just makes me happy.

With that said, here's a little test run on self love: I acknowledge myself not only for being vulnerable (which is another thing I'm currently working on 'cause no one likes talking to a brick wall, right?) and writing down my darkest, innermost feelings in this post, but also for the fact that I'm taking time to write, which is something that is in my goals and is extremely important to me, but not always a priority.

Boom. I did it.

Cheers to self love, guys. Peace 'n blessings.